Hey guys (this being more of an androgynous guys then the literal meaning), so I'm fully intending to use this blog as a means to journal, channel my thoughts, and potentially maybe try not to let my fucked up-edness show up in daily life.
Anyway, I suppose that I should talk about the stuff that's been going on recently, maybe give a little perspective on my life. So, as the title (somewhat) indicates, I am in college. This is the greatest time of my life. I have all of the privileges of adulthood, with very few of the responsibilities that come with it. I am enjoying my life to the fullest...is what I would like to say. None of the above about my current college life is true. I hate my school. Not for the people, classes, or campus, all of which are quite nice. I simply feel like I'm slowly being drained away. I've gradually lost the happiness that I've become so accustomed to (I am normally the one who cheers up others) and slowly gained a sort of depression that's gradually eaten away at me until I feel like I'm just sort of filled with this dark sludge of confused, terrible emotion.
When I came here I originally, I thought that it was the fact that I didn't have any friends here. To solve this, I'm pledging at a Fraternity, and currently a part of a student Christian organization. Yet that has done nothing, if at all, it's become worse. Anytime that I'm alone, my thoughts constantly turn to how terrible things here are. I'm stuck with a 21 year old room mate who lacks the capacity, apparently, to be able to keep up with basic hygiene. I'm in love (yes, I'm saying this at 18, and yes, I know that you probably think that it carries little weight) with a girl who at the very least likes me (we have both talked about how we feel), but who is unwilling to date because she doubts the strength of my faith, and the possibility of her mother disapproving of it. This is a girl who is also going into the Marines, and who is currently 6 hours away. She is the one bright beacon in this, with the possible exception of the comfort that I find when I read the bible. I have yet to find a single person here who is the type of person that I would simply like the hang out with, even when we aren't doing anything (something that I could do with every single one of the people that I used to hang out with.)
This is not an attempt at pity. I want to make that very clear. I simply lack someone who I can possibly bare my soul to without the fear of rejection. The internet has become my bastion for my insecurities, and any of the readers, a fellow human to speak with.
I have no idea when I'll write again, or even if I will (though there is a strong chance that I will.) With that, I bid any of the you adieu
